75 questions to ask before marriage

Money talks are rarely about the money. They’re about safety, freedom and whatever you each learned about it growing up. Put it all on the table now, while you’re both in a generous mood.

1. 1

   Growing up, was money talked about openly, argued about, or never mentioned at all?

   Your answers explain a lot about each other’s money reflexes today. Go easy on both of them.

2. 2

   After the wedding, do you picture us combining everything, keeping some of it separate, or keeping it mostly separate?

3. 3

   What debts are you bringing into the marriage, and how do you feel about them?

   Student loans, cards, a car, money owed to family. Say the number out loud. It tends to feel smaller once it’s said.

4. 4

   Is there anything on your credit history that might surprise me?

5. 5

   How much should either of us be able to spend without checking in first?

6. 6

   Who do you picture paying the bills and keeping an eye on the accounts? Is that a shared job or one person’s?

7. 7

   What are you saving for right now, and what would you like us to save for together?

8. 8

   How do you feel about lending money to friends or family? Is there a limit?

9. 9

   If one of us earns a lot more than the other, does that change how we split things?

10. 10

    What does a comfortable life look like to you in ten years? Get specific: the home, the trips, the ordinary Tuesday.

11. 11

    How are we paying for the wedding, and who else, if anyone, is chipping in?

    Help from family can come with opinions attached. Decide together how much input you’re happy to take.

When you marry someone, their family comes too, and maybe one day a family of your own. These questions shape your holidays, your weekends and the next twenty years.

1. 12

   Do you want kids? If so, how many, and roughly when?

   “Maybe” is a fine answer for now. A firm yes and a firm no deserve a proper conversation before the wedding, with a counselor if it helps.

2. 13

   If having kids turns out to be hard, how would you feel about options like fertility treatment, adoption or fostering?

3. 14

   What did your parents get right that you’d like to repeat? What would you do differently?

4. 15

   How involved do you expect our parents to be in our lives, and in our kids’ lives if we have them?

5. 16

   Whose family gets which holidays, and what happens when both want the same day?

6. 17

   If one of our parents needs care someday, what would you want us to do: move closer, help pay, or have them live with us?

7. 18

   How do you honestly feel about my family right now? Is there anything that worries you?

8. 19

   What role do you want friends to play once we’re married: the same as now, more, or a little less?

9. 20

   If we have kids, how do you picture splitting the care: the night feeds, the school runs, the sick days?

10. 21

    Which rules from your own childhood would you keep for your kids, and which would you scrap?

11. 22

    Would you want one of us to stay home with kids for a while, or both keep working? What would decide it for you?

Two careers, one life. Talk about where you each want to go, what you’d trade to get there, and how you’ll back each other when work gets hard.

1. 23

   Where do you hope your work takes you in the next five years?

2. 24

   How much of who you are is tied to your job? Would you still work if money weren’t an issue?

3. 25

   Would you move for a job? Would you move for mine?

   Answer honestly, not heroically. A “probably not” today saves a painful surprise later.

4. 26

   How many hours of work a week feels normal to you, and how many feels like too much?

5. 27

   If one of us wanted to go back to school, start a business or change careers, how would we make it work?

6. 28

   When work is stressful, what do you want from me: a listener, a problem solver, or a distraction?

7. 29

   How do you feel about work spilling into home life: late emails, weekend calls, work trips?

8. 30

   If both our careers need something big at the same time, whose comes first? Or do we take turns?

9. 31

   What does retirement look like to you, and when do you hope it starts?

10. 32

    Is there a dream you’ve put on hold that you’d like me to know about?

Married life is mostly ordinary days: the dishes, the alarms, the thermostat. Make sure yours fit together before you promise each other all of them.

1. 33

   Where do you want to live: a city, a suburb, a small town, near family, or somewhere neither of us has been?

2. 34

   Do you want to rent, buy, or stay flexible for a while?

3. 35

   How do we split the chores so neither of us ends up as the household manager?

   Count the invisible jobs too: noticing we’re low on milk, booking the dentist, remembering birthdays.

4. 36

   What does a perfect ordinary weeknight look like to you?

5. 37

   How much time together do you need in a week, and how much time on your own?

6. 38

   How tidy does our place need to be for you to relax in it?

7. 39

   Pets: yes or no, how many, and who’s on the early walks?

8. 40

   How do you feel about friends or family staying with us, and for how long?

9. 41

   What are your non-negotiables at home: a bedtime, a quiet morning, a car, a garden, a spare room?

10. 42

    How often do you want date nights once we’re married, and who plans them?

11. 43

    Which traditions from the home you grew up in do you want to keep, and which new ones should we start?

Devout, spiritual or happily neither, your values steer the big decisions. These are about what matters most to each of you, and how much room there is for difference.

1. 44

   What role does faith or spirituality play in your life right now? Do you expect that to change?

2. 45

   Do you want our wedding to include any religious or cultural traditions? Which ones matter most to you?

3. 46

   If we have kids, how would you want to raise them around faith, culture and family traditions?

4. 47

   Which values do you hope people see in us as a couple?

5. 48

   Where do we see the world differently, in politics or anything else, and how do we keep it from getting personal?

   You don’t need to agree on everything. You do need to agree on how you’ll disagree.

6. 49

   How do you feel about giving: to charity, a place of worship, a cause, or people we know who need help?

7. 50

   What does being a good partner mean to you, and where did you learn it?

8. 51

   What does loyalty mean to you? Where are the lines, online and off?

9. 52

   Do you want to know everything, always, or is there anything you’d rather I kept to myself?

10. 53

    When you’re old and looking back, what would make you feel your life was well spent?

Every couple argues. The ones who do it well know how the other one fights, what they need to calm down and how they like to make up. Talk about it on a good day.

1. 54

   When you’re upset, do you want to talk it out right away, or do you need time to cool off first?

   If one of you chases and the other retreats, agree on a signal, like “I need twenty minutes, then I’m back.”

2. 55

   How did the adults in your life handle arguments when you were growing up?

3. 56

   What’s something I do in an argument that makes you feel unheard?

4. 57

   How do you like to make up after a fight: words, a hug, some space, or a fresh start the next morning?

5. 58

   Is it ever okay to go to bed angry?

6. 59

   Which topics are off limits in a fight, like family, exes or old mistakes?

7. 60

   How do you apologize, and how do you like to be apologized to?

8. 61

   Is it okay to vent to friends or family about each other? Where’s the line?

9. 62

   What would make it easy to bring up a small annoyance before it turns into a big one?

10. 63

    Would you be open to seeing a couples counselor if we got stuck? What would it take?

    You can go before anything is wrong. Think of it as maintenance, not a last resort.

11. 64

    Is there a disagreement we’ve already had that we never really settled?

Saved for last because they need a calm evening and your full attention. None of these are about expecting the worst. They’re about trusting each other enough to plan for it.

1. 65

   Are there any health issues, physical or mental, that I should know about?

2. 66

   Is there anything in your past, like debts, legal trouble or a previous marriage, that I haven’t heard about yet?

3. 67

   Do you want a prenup? Why or why not?

   A prenup is a legal agreement, so if it’s on the table, talk to a lawyer where you live.

4. 68

   What does fidelity mean to you, and what would feel like a betrayal?

5. 69

   How would we handle it if one of us lost a job, got seriously ill or needed long-term care?

6. 70

   If one of us becomes unhappy in the marriage, how do we want to bring it up, and how early?

7. 71

   What do you hope our sex life looks like, now and twenty years from now?

   Talk about affection, frequency and what happens when life gets busy. Awkward for five minutes, useful for decades.

8. 72

   Is there anything that worries you about marrying me?

9. 73

   Do we each have a will, and who would we want making decisions for us if we couldn’t?

   Dull to set up, and a real kindness to each other. A lawyer where you live can help with the details.

10. 74

    What are you most afraid of losing by getting married?

11. 75

    Why do you want to marry me, and why now?

Questions about this list