50 deep questions for couples

Your partner had a whole life before you, and a lot of who they are was built back then. These questions are a way to meet the earlier versions.

1. 1

   What’s a childhood memory that still feels completely vivid? Why do you think that one stuck?

2. 2

   Who was the adult you felt safest with as a kid, and what did they do to make you feel that way?

3. 3

   What was normal in your house growing up that you later found out was unusual?

4. 4

   When people got upset in your family, what happened? Yelling, silence, talking it out, or pretending it didn’t happen?

   This one can explain a lot about how each of you handles disagreements now. Listen more than you analyze.

5. 5

   Which year of your life would you relive if you could, and which would you skip?

6. 6

   What’s a compliment from years ago that you still remember word for word?

7. 7

   What did your first heartbreak teach you, even if it took a while to see it?

8. 8

   When did you last change your mind about something big, and what changed it?

9. 9

   At sixteen, what did you think your life would look like by now?

10. 10

    Is there a past version of you that you miss? What were they like?

It’s easy to know your partner’s past and future better than their Tuesday. These check in on who they are right now, in the middle of a busy life.

1. 11

   What’s taking up most of your headspace this week that I might not know about?

2. 12

   What’s something you’re quietly proud of lately?

3. 13

   Which part of your day do you look forward to most, and which part do you dread?

4. 14

   Is there something you’ve been wanting to try, learn or start? What’s stopping you?

5. 15

   Who do you wish you saw more of right now?

6. 16

   What’s one thing I could take off your plate this month that would make a real difference?

   Then actually do it. Few questions pay off this fast.

7. 17

   When do you feel most like yourself these days?

8. 18

   What’s been draining you lately, even if it seems small?

9. 19

   What do you believe now that you didn’t believe five years ago?

10. 20

    If you had a completely free Saturday, what would you actually do? Not the impressive answer, the real one.

You don’t need a five-year plan to talk about the future. You just need to know you’re pointed roughly the same way. Dream out loud, and notice where your pictures overlap.

1. 21

   What would make the next twelve months a really good year for you? And for us?

2. 22

   Picture an ordinary Tuesday ten years from now. Where are we, and what are we doing?

3. 23

   How much does it matter to you where we end up living: a city, a small town, near family, somewhere new?

4. 24

   What does “enough money” look like to you? At what point would you feel secure?

5. 25

   How do you want work to fit into your life later on: more ambition, more balance, or something else?

6. 26

   Where do kids fit into your picture of the future, if at all?

   If this is a big open question for the two of you, give it its own evening. It deserves more than a list.

7. 27

   What’s something you want to do in your lifetime that you haven’t told many people?

8. 28

   What’s one big risk you might take someday? Would you want me to talk you into it or out of it?

9. 29

   What tradition would you like us to start now and still be doing in fifty years?

10. 30

    What do you hope we’re still doing together at 80?

The warm ones. How you each like to be loved, what you notice about each other, and the small things that keep you close.

1. 31

   When did you first realize you were falling for me? What was I doing?

2. 32

   What’s something small I do that makes you feel loved, that I might not know matters?

3. 33

   After a hard day, what do you want from me: advice, a hug, a distraction or some space?

   The answer for a terrible day and an annoying one might be different. Ask about both.

4. 34

   Which moment with me would you relive, start to finish?

5. 35

   What do you think we’re best at as a couple?

6. 36

   Is there something you’d like more of from me that you’ve been shy about asking for?

7. 37

   How can you tell I’m upset before I’ve said anything?

8. 38

   What surprised you about me once we got together?

9. 39

   When do you feel closest to me: talking, touching, doing something together, or something else?

10. 40

    What’s one thing about us you never want to change?

Hard doesn’t have to mean heavy. These are about fears, arguments and the things that are easy to avoid. Take your time, and remember the goal is understanding each other, not winning.

1. 41

   What’s a fear you don’t often say out loud?

2. 42

   When we argue, what do I do that makes it worse? And what actually helps?

   Try answering it about yourself first. “I get defensive when…” is a generous way to start.

3. 43

   Is there something you’ve wanted to tell me but haven’t known how to say?

4. 44

   When you’re struggling but don’t want to talk, what do you want from me?

5. 45

   Is there anything from a past relationship that still makes you wary in this one?

6. 46

   What’s a disagreement we keep having, and what do you think it’s really about?

7. 47

   Has there been a time you felt alone in this relationship, even briefly? What would have helped?

8. 48

   What’s one thing you worry I’ll never quite understand about you?

9. 49

   If one of us were unhappy for a long stretch, how would you want us to handle it?

   If something here feels too big to sort out on your own, seeing a couples counselor together is a smart move, not a last resort.

10. 50

    Is there anything between us that still needs an apology or a proper conversation?

Questions about this list