The honeymoon phase: how long it lasts, and what comes next

The honeymoon phase is the early, intense stretch of a relationship, when you think about each other constantly and even their quirks seem adorable. There’s no set expiry date, but the most intense part often starts to ease within a year or two: in one small study, the hormone changes of new love had disappeared when people were retested 12 to 24 months later,⁶ and in newlyweds, declines in love and affection were clearest in the first year of marriage.¹ Couples vary a lot, though,² and in a random sample of married Americans, 40% of those married more than 10 years said they were “very intensely in love.”⁷

Strictly speaking, honeymoons belong to newlyweds, and many of the studies below follow newly married couples. But people use the phrase for the start of any relationship. Researchers call the feeling passionate love: an intense longing for the other person, with an obsessive edge of intrusive thoughts, uncertainty and mood swings.³

It shows up in the body, too. When 17 people who had been intensely in love for 1 to 17 months looked at their partner’s photo during a brain scan, dopamine-rich areas tied to reward and motivation became more active.⁸ And in a small study of 24 people who had fallen in love within the previous six months, the stress hormone cortisol ran higher than in people who weren’t newly in love. When they were tested again 12 to 24 months later, the hormone differences were gone.⁶

We couldn’t find a study that pins it to a set number of months, so be wary of anyone who quotes one. What researchers have done is track different parts of the glow over time, and the results point the same rough way: an early high, a gradual settling, and very different paths for different couples.

None of these is a stopwatch. Put together, they suggest the head-over-heels feeling tends to soften within the first couple of years, satisfaction drifts down on average, and the averages hide plenty of couples who barely dip at all.²

The clearest sign is that your partner starts to feel familiar rather than thrilling. That can feel like a loss, but it’s mostly a change of gear. Some everyday versions:

• You no longer refresh your messages every five minutes, and a night apart feels restful instead of tragic.
• Their habits come into focus: how they load the dishwasher, how they chew, how they narrate every plot twist.
• Desire takes more intention. Researchers note that sexual desire is often intense early on and tends to decline as partners get to know each other.¹¹
• You have your first real disagreements and find out how each of you fights.
• The sweatpants come out, and so do the bad moods. Nobody’s performing anymore.
• Dates need planning instead of just happening.

Why it happens comes down to new becoming familiar. In Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, passion rises fast and peaks early, then settles at a steadier level as you get used to each other. In relationships that work, he argued, the bond underneath keeps growing, even when you notice it less day to day.¹²

It’s not a bad trade, either. In a study of 136 people at different phases of their relationships, intimacy was higher the further along people were, and constructive ways of handling disagreements were more common in established relationships.¹³

Not by itself. In the 13-year Pennsylvania study, couples who stayed married generally became less affectionate and less in love over the first two years too, and the researchers suggest those couples likely saw it as a natural shift from romance to a working partnership.¹

What set couples headed for divorce apart was disillusionment: love fading, affection dropping off, a growing sense that their partner wasn’t responsive, and rising ambivalence.¹ A bigger honeymoon didn’t guarantee a safer marriage, either.

The couples who divorced after seven or more years had been unusually affectionate newlyweds, showing about a third more affection than couples who ended up happily married, before a steep drop in their first year. Couples who divorced early were already struggling two months after the wedding.¹

The Los Angeles study found something similar from another angle. Spouses on the least satisfied paths tended to start marriage with more stress, more aggression and more negative personality traits, and showed less interest, affection and humor when they talked through problems. Demographic background didn’t separate the groups.²

Often a steadier, deeper kind of love, and for many couples, romance that lasts without the anxiety. Researchers separate the obsessive side of early love (the intrusive thoughts and uncertainty) from romantic love itself: intensity, engagement and sexual interest.³

In a review of 25 studies, romantic love without the obsession was strongly linked to satisfaction in both short-term and long-term relationships. Obsession was slightly positive in short-term relationships and slightly negative in long-term ones, and companionate love, the warm, friendship kind, was more strongly tied to satisfaction in long-term relationships.³

Lasting romance isn’t rare, either. In that random sample of married Americans, 40% of people married more than 10 years said they were very intensely in love, and in a second random sample, from New York, 29% did. The things that went with it: thinking positively about each other, thinking about each other when apart, affection and sex, doing new and challenging things together, and being happy with life in general.⁷

Some long-married brains even look like new love. When 17 people married an average of 21 years who reported being intensely in love viewed their partner’s photo, the same dopamine-rich reward areas seen in early love became more active, along with areas tied to attachment.¹⁴ And longer isn’t simply worse: across 165 samples, satisfaction was lowest on average among couples about 10 years in, and higher among couples about 20 years in.⁹

Mostly everyday things. A machine-learning study of 43 longitudinal couples studies found the strongest relationship-specific predictors of relationship quality were feeling that your partner is committed, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, feeling that your partner is satisfied, and conflict.⁴

One honest caveat: how relationships changed over the course of those studies was much harder to predict than where they stood at the start,⁴ which is good news in its way. The next few years aren’t written yet.

Two more findings are worth knowing. In two studies, people whose partners usually met their good news with enthusiasm reported more intimacy and higher daily marital satisfaction.¹⁵ And among the Los Angeles newlyweds, aggression went with rockier paths, while interest, affection and humor during disagreements went with steadier ones.²

1. 1

   Say thank you for ordinary things

   The coffee, the bins, the call they made so you didn’t have to. Appreciation was one of the strongest predictors in that 43-study analysis.⁴

2. 2

   Celebrate their wins out loud

   When they share good news, stop, ask questions and be glad with them. Enthusiastic responses are the kind linked to more intimacy.¹⁵

3. 3

   Make your commitment visible

   Talk about plans that include both of you. Feeling sure of a partner’s commitment was among the strongest predictors, too.⁴

4. 4

   Keep desire on the agenda

   Desire tends to fade as partners get to know each other,¹¹ so give it some deliberate attention instead of waiting for it to show up.

5. 5

   Fight fair

   Disagree without insults or threats, and keep some warmth and humor in the room. Conflict made the list of top predictors, and aggression went with rockier paths for newlyweds.^4,2

You can’t rewind to month three, but you can bring back some of the spark, and there’s good experimental evidence for one approach in particular: doing new things together. Not fancier things. New ones.

In three lab experiments, couples who spent seven minutes on a task that was new and a little exciting reported a bigger rise in relationship quality than couples given a more mundane task.¹⁶ In a 10-week experiment with 53 married couples, those assigned to spend 90 minutes a week on activities they found exciting ended up more satisfied than those assigned activities they found pleasant. Doing things together wasn’t enough on its own; the excitement made the difference.⁵

It works outside the lab, too. In a randomized trial with 101 couples, a four-week online program that encouraged 90 minutes a week of exciting shared activities raised excitement and satisfaction, and couples were still above their starting point four months later.¹⁷ A set of three studies in 2019 linked these self-expanding activities (new, mind-stretching things you do together) to higher sexual desire, which in turn went with greater satisfaction.¹¹

1. 1

   Make two lists

   Each of you writes five things you’ve never done together. Small counts: a new trail, a cooking class, a neighborhood you’ve never walked.

2. 2

   Block the time

   Ninety minutes a week, the amount two of the studies above used.^5,17 Put it in the calendar like anything else that matters.

3. 3

   Take turns choosing

   Alternate weeks so each of you gets to surprise the other. Pick new over fancy.

4. 4

   Talk about it after

   On the way home, each of you names one thing that surprised you. It turns an outing into a conversation.

Stuck for ideas? Start with our 101 date night ideas, or stay in with at-home date nights that still feel new.