60 intimate questions to ask your partner

Intimacy starts long before anyone touches anyone: these are about feeling close in the everyday.

1. 1

   When do you feel most connected to me during an ordinary week?

2. 2

   What’s a moment with me when you felt completely at ease?

3. 3

   What do I do that makes you feel taken care of?

4. 4

   Which small ritual of ours means more to you than I might realize?

5. 5

   What helps you feel close to me when we’re both busy?

6. 6

   What part of your inner world do you wish I knew more about?

7. 7

   What makes you feel like we’re on the same team?

8. 8

   When did you last feel really understood by me?

9. 9

   Is there something you love that you wish we shared?

10. 10

    How can you tell when we’re really in sync?

11. 11

    Which conversation with me has stayed with you the longest?

12. 12

    Is there a way I show love that doesn’t quite land for you?

    No blame either way. It’s just useful to know how each of you likes to be loved.

    Take the free love language quiz

The braver ones, so go gently and thank each other for honest answers.

1. 13

   What’s something you worry I’d think less of you for?

2. 14

   When do you find it hardest to be open with me?

3. 15

   What helps you feel safe enough to tell me something difficult?

4. 16

   Is there anything you’ve held back because the timing never felt right?

5. 17

   What’s a part of yourself you’re still learning to like?

6. 18

   What did you learn about trust growing up?

7. 19

   How do you want me to respond when you tell me something vulnerable?

8. 20

   What’s an insecurity you’d like me to understand, even if I can’t fix it?

9. 21

   When have you felt most supported by me?

10. 22

    After we argue, what helps you feel close to me again?

11. 23

    Is there anything from your past you’d like me to know, so I understand you better?

12. 24

    How do you like to be reassured?

The physical side of closeness, kept warm and unhurried: hugs, hands and everyday touch.

1. 25

   What’s your favorite non-sexual way to be touched?

2. 26

   Do you like more affection in public, in private, or about the same?

3. 27

   What kind of hug do you like best: quick, long, or from behind?

4. 28

   How do you like to be greeted when one of us gets home?

5. 29

   Is there a kind of touch that instantly calms you down?

6. 30

   Do you prefer to fall asleep close together or with a little space?

7. 31

   What’s an affectionate habit from early on that you miss?

8. 32

   When you’re stressed, do you want more touch or less?

9. 33

   What’s a way I touch you that you love but never mention?

10. 34

    Is there any kind of touch you don’t enjoy, that I should know about?

    Thank them for telling you, and don’t take it personally. Knowing is the whole point.

11. 35

    What’s your favorite way to start a lazy morning together?

12. 36

    How has your comfort with affection changed over the years?

Adult and honest but not explicit: what draws you to each other and what makes you feel wanted.

1. 37

   What makes you feel most desired by me?

   A reminder for this section: either of you can pass, and a question is an invitation, never a request.

2. 38

   When do you feel most attractive?

3. 39

   What’s a romantic gesture that would mean a lot to you, even a small one?

4. 40

   What helps you relax enough to be playful?

5. 41

   Is there a time of day or a setting when you feel most in the mood?

6. 42

   What memory of us still gives you butterflies?

7. 43

   How do you like me to let you know I’m interested?

8. 44

   Do you like romance planned or spontaneous?

9. 45

   What gets in the way of feeling close physically: stress, tiredness, timing, something else?

10. 46

    How can we make it easy for either of us to say “not tonight” without anyone feeling rejected?

11. 47

    Is there something new you’d like us to try together, in or out of the bedroom?

12. 48

    What does a perfect romantic evening look like to you, start to finish?

Closeness takes a little care over the years: these are about keeping the spark and growing it.

1. 49

   What’s something we used to do that you’d love to bring back?

2. 50

   How has our closeness changed since we met, and what do you like about where it is now?

3. 51

   What would help us make more time for each other?

4. 52

   How often would you like to check in about us, and what would make those talks easy?

5. 53

   What do you want our relationship to feel like ten years from now?

6. 54

   What do you think keeps a couple close for decades?

7. 55

   When life gets busy, what’s the first thing you miss about us?

8. 56

   What’s one small thing we could do every day to feel closer?

9. 57

   How should we handle it when one of us wants more closeness than the other?

   There’s no right amount, only what works for you both. If it keeps causing hurt, a couples counselor or a certified sex therapist can help.

10. 58

    What new experience would you like us to share this year?

11. 59

    Is there anything about intimacy you’d like us to learn more about together?

12. 60

    What do you want to thank me for that you haven’t said yet?

Questions about this list