Free quiz · About 5 minutes · For two
Do you talk it out now or cool off first? Say something, or let it go? Answer 15 everyday scenarios on one phone, then see your two styles side by side, how they fit, and a short plan for your next disagreement.
Four styles
Two questions decide your style: do you want to talk it out now, or after a breather? And do you say what’s bugging you, or let most things go?
When something bugs you, you say so, and you’d rather sort it out now than let it simmer.
Good at: Things don’t get the chance to fester. Your partner knows where they stand.
You’ll bring it up, once you’ve had a breather. You want to say it right, not just say it fast.
Good at: Calmer talks, and fewer things said in the heat of the moment.
Most things roll off you. When something does matter, you want it sorted fast and put behind you.
Good at: Easygoing, quick to move on, slow to hold a grudge.
You let a lot go, and when something does bother you, you need time before you can talk about it.
Good at: Patient and steady. You rarely say something you regret.
How it works
Take it on a calm day. It’s about how you usually handle things, not the last fight you had.
Private by design
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What the research says
Our four styles and the questions behind them are our own, written for couples. They’re built on published research about how couples handle conflict, and they aren’t taken from any other test.
In a community survey of married couples, nearly everyone reported some disagreements, most of them one or two a month.
McGonagle, Kessler and Schilling, 1992
In a four-year study of 73 couples, some stable couples argued openly and others mostly let things slide. What set struggling couples apart was hostility and too little warmth. A later study of nearly 2,000 couples did link a calm, listen-first style to better outcomes than a fiery or avoiding one.
Gottman, 1993; Busby and Holman, 2009
In two studies of newlyweds, being direct, even blunt, about a serious problem was linked to the problem getting better over time, while the same bluntness about small irritations was linked to things getting worse. Hints, sarcasm and guilt trips weren’t linked to things getting better.
McNulty and Russell, 2010; Overall and McNulty, 2017
Across 74 studies, when one partner pushes to talk and the other pulls away, couples tend to be less happy. And in a study of 63 gay, lesbian and straight couples, whoever wanted more change tended to do the pushing.
Schrodt, Witt and Shimkowski, 2014; Holley, Sturm and Levenson, 2010
In a two-week diary study, people reported more conflict with their partner after a bad night’s sleep. And in a study of 43 married couples, when both partners were short on sleep, they argued more harshly.
Gordon and Chen, 2014; Wilson et al., 2017
In a two-year experiment with 120 married couples, writing for seven minutes, three times a year, about a recent disagreement from the view of a fair-minded outsider kept relationship quality from sliding, while the comparison couples kept declining.
Finkel, Slotter, Luchies, Walton and Gross, 2013
When you’re ready for more
The Couples Contract has you each say where the serious or difficult talks should happen, and rate your communication with a plan to make it stronger: 21 sections, answered together or apart, then signed. Not legally binding. Or keep it light with WhoIs?, the card game that settles who’s who.
Next: how do you like to make up?Alex & Sam
Your contract
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167 question cards · 12 answer cards · 2 to 12+ players
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