Free quiz · About 3 minutes · For two
After a fight, some people need to hear “I’m sorry.” Others need you to own it, fix it, give them a little time, or just hug them. Answer 10 quick either-or scenarios on one phone, then see what helps each of you most, side by side, with what to try next time.
What it weighs
Our own grouping, drawn from research on apologies, forgiveness and making up. A good apology usually has more than one of these; the quiz shows what you reach for first.
The words themselves: a plain, warm apology, said like you mean it.
Try: Say the words plainly: “I’m sorry.” Then stop, with no “but” after it.
Naming what happened and taking your share of it, with no excuses.
Try: Be specific: “I cut you off, and I brushed off what you said.”
Fixing what you can, and agreeing on what changes next time.
Try: Ask: “What would help fix this?” Then do it.
Room to settle before you talk or make up, so it’s a real conversation, not round two.
Try: Ask: “Talk now, or later tonight?” and be fine with either answer.
Getting close again: a hug, a hand to hold, sitting side by side, feeling like a team.
Try: Offer a hug before you talk it through, not only after.
How it works
Take it on a calm day, not in the middle of an argument. Your answers will be more honest, and so will the talk afterward.
Private by design
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What the research says
Our five ways to make up are our own grouping, drawn from published research on apologies, forgiveness and conflict, and written in our own words. They aren’t a validated test.
When people rate imagined apologies, ones with several parts (saying sorry, owning it, offering to fix things) usually come out ahead of a single line, though piling on more parts doesn’t always add more.
Scher and Darley, 1997; Kirchhoff, Wagner and Strack, 2012; Lewicki, Polin and Lount, 2016
In three online experiments, people judged someone who said “I’m sorry I offended you” more favorably than someone who said “I’m sorry you were offended.”
Wang and McGlone, 2020
Which part of an apology mattered most changed from study to study: offering to fix things ranked near the top after a mistake at work, and last after an angry run-in with a neighbor. In a study of university students, the apologies rated best were the ones that fit how people saw themselves.
Lewicki, Polin and Lount, 2016; Kirchhoff, Wagner and Strack, 2012; Fehr and Gelfand, 2010
In a study where students imagined being stood up by a friend, the apology helped most when it came after they’d said their piece and been told their friend understood why they were upset. Across seven studies of people in relationships, conflict took less of a toll on those who felt their partner understood them.
Frantz and Bennigson, 2005; Gordon and Chen, 2016
In studies of college students who’d recently been hurt, forgiveness kept growing over the following weeks, fastest at first. But pulling away while a partner presses to talk is linked to unhappier relationships, so if you need room, say when you’ll come back.
McCullough et al., 2010; Schrodt, Witt and Shimkowski, 2014
In a study that called 404 adults every evening for two weeks, people who got a hug on a day with conflict reported a smaller dip in mood. It can’t show the hug caused it, and it didn’t ask who gave the hug.
Murphy, Janicki-Deverts and Cohen, 2018
When you’re ready for more
The Couples Contract has you rate your communication and write a plan for it, and agree on where the serious talks happen: 21 sections, answered together or apart, then signed. Not legally binding. Or make up over a game of WhoIs?, the card game that settles who’s who.
Next: how do you handle disagreements?Alex & Sam
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Digital · 21 sections · together or apart
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167 question cards · 12 answer cards · 2 to 12+ players
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